January 29, 2011

A Struggle

It’s paramount to me
that I’m seen.  So why
can’t I look in the mirror
and feel noticed?  Why
the fuck do I split into
two when I walk through
a crowded room?  The
insecure babbler inside
my head, and the breathing
consciousness estimating
how many times I break
a social law as I drag ass
across the room.  Oh,
For Shame!  Why do
people claim the opposite
happens to them?  How
does one calculate what’s
truly opposite versus what’s
meant to happen?  Which is
the opposite sex?  It depends.
Why the hell do I expect me
to receive a once in a life
time chance? You know, to
be published.  Perhaps
because every day is a once
and a lifetime dream.  Jesus
Christ, I almost died in an
overdose or two.  The reason I feel
invalidated in a mirror is the
age old vanity retardant.  Hell,
I should get props in the honesty
department. If you used to know

Who Cares

Who cares
For the lost souls of humanity
What will become of them?

Who cares
For the ghosts of society
Where will they go?

Wandering aimlessly
In search of meaning
Looking for a light
Out of the darkness.

Who cares
For those who don't?


January 28, 2011


Pessoa taught me the
fine points of a thoughtless
life.  Stressed the blessing
of an awareness not my
own and not God’s,
but perhaps your’s.  I
intend to travel without
moving, to love without
loving and to help without
helping.  A meditation so
fine tuned that my body
becomes merely a vessel,
like a ship or a plane.
I wonder why it’s so
hard to divorce self
from self, especially
if one thinks about the
despicable self.  I find
that part very simple,
enormously easy. But
I think, it’s that self
that hinders a divorce
from self, because then
I want to improve it,
pay more attention to it.
It’s time to make a mad
dash for the forest and not
look backwards, other than
that, I don’t know what the
hell to do.    

January 26, 2011

A Lament

A natural disaster
occurred one year
ago, to a well human
being when she sat
at her favorite spot.
The day hugged her
with chills, the sun
poured vile gold rays
onto her body, and two
people coughed as they
walked in front of her.
 Since the natural disaster
a tiredness nibbles at her
muscles and clouds her
already grey matter.
Headaches assault her
and rob her of the only
currency that exists, time.
 She puts an SOS on
Facebook every day,
but so far, she figures,
since she refuses to
post a picture, no one
sees.  What the hell,
she’s starting to sink
into the carpet like
quick sand.  Good-
bye sweet breath.

January 25, 2011

No Joke

Never mind the guy
that pushes a rock
up a mountain for
eternity, I drag one
behind me one day
at a time.
 I realize the Ironman
symbolizes strength
and endurance, but walk
inside my skin one day
as it starts to drag
 on the ground.
 Some believe God
never gives us more
than we can handle
in a day, bullshit, I
eat dirt with a low signal
emanating from my sagging
skin, secure in the fact
that this is an end.  

January 24, 2011

In and Out

Cold steel
Empty time
Endless thoughts
fill my mind.

The reality of
my concrete walls
brings memories
of soft passion.

What seems forever
is an instant
What seems an instant
is forever.

written 4/3/2000

January 22, 2011


Feeling good.
Life laying in
front of me
like a resplendent
grassy meadow.
A slight breeze
brushes my face,
and I here birdies
chirp lightly all around
A plane flies above,
with the word “Detour”
on a sign tagging along
behind it.
 I observe my surroundings
again.  I stand in a
parking lot of a
state hospital. Sent there
because of my tendency
to try and kill myself.
The brick building
looms over me.  I follow
the case worker inside.
She neglected to let me smoke.

January 18, 2011

A Spiral

Thorzine, Moban,
Closoril, what
a physical thrill.
Ambien, Lunesta,
Ativan, a sleep
managed by man.
Luvox, Effexor,
Welbutrin, the
doctor’s guess
as good as mine.
Lithium, Depakote,
Tegratol, am I
rock steady yet?
Serequel, Zyprexa,
Risperadol,  I’m
400lbs. but I’m
not hallucinating.
Methadone, Morpheine,
Oxy, opiates that increase
The pain, mental.
I’ve taken more meds
than this in my lifetime.
I’m still insane and
searching for the right

January 17, 2011


I love grapes.
I hate olives.
If I ate a small,dark,
But thought of a black
I might taste an olive.
I venture to say I may
Like the olive.
Life would burst with a
new meaning, I may prefer
opera to cinema and caviar to
Hell no!
A grape is a grape.
An olive is an olive.
And olive grapes.

January 16, 2011

I Know

I know what that
chair is for- to hurl
against the enamled
walls.  I get that the
CD's are to be whipped
like razor sharp frisbees
out the moving car
window.  I feel that
I received a permit
to bang my head
against the wall at
a fantastic decible.
I understand that every
now and again I can
accidentilly trip an old
bag.  What I don't know,
is why the hell science
never answers my desperate
call?  Might as well pinch
an infected area, assholes.

January 14, 2011


My soul, hangs from
my heart, heavy like
when a punching bag dangles
from an unsuspecting paneled
ceiling.  Heavy limbs, heavy breasts,
heavy, not sexy, lashes that tend to
shut my eyes, blind me, add to my
debilitation. A heavy chin, that shows
off my Rosie O’Donnell, damning,
double, drooping chin. My demeanor
heavy and exasperated, in need of
a Ritalin for a break, from the heavy
doors of my perception.  Pep up, brief,
and understated.  Yet the soul remains,
yawns, heavy and left on a the tail
of a prayer.

January 3, 2011

The I Doctor

Appointment you
scheduled for
Remember to tell
the I Doctor the
exact nature of what
ails you.  Which part
of the I rots inside of
your flesh canister?
What do your eyes
divulge to you, as you
screw your head inwards.
Tell the I Doctor all.
Leave no door unopened.
Expose every shade of your I.
Look the Doctor in the eyes.
Listen with every pore.
The doctor usually cons the
I out of me and throws it in
acid.  It fizzes into a nonentity.
Lighter, humbler and happier,
I return from the I doctor,
A veritable you. Welcome.