A Struggle

It’s paramount to me

that I’m seen.  So why

can’t I look in the mirror

and feel noticed?  Why

the fuck do I split into

two when I walk through

a crowded room?  The

insecure babbler inside

my head, and the breathing

consciousness estimating

how many times I break

a social law as I drag ass

across the room.  Oh,

For Shame!  Why do

people claim the opposite

happens to them?  How

does one calculate what’s

truly opposite versus what’s

meant to happen?  Which is

the opposite sex?  It depends.

Why the hell do I expect me

to receive a once in a life

time chance? You know, to

be published.  Perhaps

because every day is a once

and a lifetime dream.  Jesus

Christ, I almost died in an

overdose or two.  The reason I feel

invalidated in a mirror is the

age old vanity retardant.  Hell,

I should get props in the honesty

department. If you used to know

me…

Who Cares

Who cares
For the lost souls of humanity
What will become of them?

Who cares
For the ghosts of society
Where will they go?

Wandering aimlessly
In search of meaning
Looking for a light
Out of the darkness.

Who cares
For those who don't?

4/12/2000

Teachable

Pessoa taught me the

fine points of a thoughtless

life.  Stressed the blessing

of an awareness not my

own and not God’s,

but perhaps your’s.  I

intend to travel without

moving, to love without

loving and to help without

helping.  A meditation so

fine tuned that my body

becomes merely a vessel,

like a ship or a plane.

I wonder why it’s so

hard to divorce self

from self, especially

if one thinks about the

despicable self.  I find

that part very simple,

enormously easy. But

I think, it’s that self

that hinders a divorce

from self, because then

I want to improve it,

pay more attention to it.

It’s time to make a mad

dash for the forest and not

look backwards, other than

that, I don’t know what the

hell to do.    

A Lament

A natural disaster

occurred one year

ago, to a well human

being when she sat

at her favorite spot.

The day hugged her

with chills, the sun

poured vile gold rays

onto her body, and two

people coughed as they

walked in front of her.

 Since the natural disaster

a tiredness nibbles at her

muscles and clouds her

already grey matter.

Headaches assault her

and rob her of the only

currency that exists, time.

 She puts an SOS on

Facebook every day,

but so far, she figures,

since she refuses to

post a picture, no one

sees.  What the hell,

she’s starting to sink

into the carpet like

quick sand.  Good-

bye sweet breath.

Good-bye.

No Joke

Never mind the guy

that pushes a rock

up a mountain for

eternity, I drag one

behind me one day

at a time.

 I realize the Ironman

symbolizes strength

and endurance, but walk

inside my skin one day

as it starts to drag

 on the ground.

 Some believe God

never gives us more

than we can handle

in a day, bullshit, I

eat dirt with a low signal

emanating from my sagging

skin, secure in the fact

that this is an end.  

In and Out

Cold steel
Empty time
Endless thoughts
fill my mind.

The reality of
my concrete walls
brings memories
of soft passion.

What seems forever
is an instant
What seems an instant
is forever.

written 4/3/2000

Detour

Feeling good.

Life laying in

front of me

like a resplendent

grassy meadow.

A slight breeze

brushes my face,

and I here birdies

chirp lightly all around

me.

A plane flies above,

with the word “Detour”

on a sign tagging along

behind it.

 I observe my surroundings

again.  I stand in a

parking lot of a

state hospital. Sent there

because of my tendency

to try and kill myself.

The brick building

looms over me.  I follow

the case worker inside.

She neglected to let me smoke.

A Spiral

Thorzine, Moban,

Closoril, what

a physical thrill.

Ambien, Lunesta,

Ativan, a sleep

managed by man.

Luvox, Effexor,

Welbutrin, the

doctor’s guess

as good as mine.

Lithium, Depakote,

Tegratol, am I

rock steady yet?

Serequel, Zyprexa,

Risperadol,  I’m

400lbs. but I’m

not hallucinating.

Methadone, Morpheine,

Oxy, opiates that increase

The pain, mental.

I’ve taken more meds

than this in my lifetime.

I’m still insane and

searching for the right

med.

WTF?

I love grapes.

I hate olives.

If I ate a small,dark,

grape,

But thought of a black

olive,

I might taste an olive.

I venture to say I may

Like the olive.

Life would burst with a

new meaning, I may prefer

opera to cinema and caviar to

calamari.

Really?

Hell no!

A grape is a grape.

An olive is an olive.

And olive grapes.

I Know

I know what that
chair is for- to hurl
against the enamled
walls.  I get that the
CD's are to be whipped
like razor sharp frisbees
out the moving car
window.  I feel that
I received a permit
to bang my head
against the wall at
a fantastic decible.
I understand that every
now and again I can
accidentilly trip an old
bag.  What I don't know,
is why the hell science
never answers my desperate
call?  Might as well pinch
an infected area, assholes.

Heavy

My soul, hangs from

my heart, heavy like

when a punching bag dangles

from an unsuspecting paneled

ceiling.  Heavy limbs, heavy breasts,

heavy, not sexy, lashes that tend to

shut my eyes, blind me, add to my

debilitation. A heavy chin, that shows

off my Rosie O’Donnell, damning,

double, drooping chin. My demeanor

heavy and exasperated, in need of

a Ritalin for a break, from the heavy

doors of my perception.  Pep up, brief,

and understated.  Yet the soul remains,

yawns, heavy and left on a the tail

of a prayer.

The I Doctor

                                                                       

Appointment you

scheduled for

twomorrow.

Remember to tell

the I Doctor the

exact nature of what

ails you.  Which part

of the I rots inside of

your flesh canister?

What do your eyes

divulge to you, as you

screw your head inwards.

Tell the I Doctor all.

Leave no door unopened.

Expose every shade of your I.

Look the Doctor in the eyes.

Listen with every pore.

The doctor usually cons the

I out of me and throws it in

acid.  It fizzes into a nonentity.

Lighter, humbler and happier,

I return from the I doctor,

A veritable you. Welcome.